This Is Our Sanctuary

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 Oh honey,
Who would have thought,
I’d pull down the walls.
And yes the debris still clings to my hair,
But we’ll comb out the kinks.
Worry not, oh darling my dear,
It gets cold sometimes,
But we’ll hold onto each other in the dark night.
And when the night is over and the frost
Still lingers,
We’ll welcome the morning
With a smile,
And cast the rays of the sun,
Across the world, across our hearts.

I have been to the end of my tether,
I lost hope in faith
And sight of a new life,
I couldn’t even count to ten,
So I made my home
In a nest of zeroes and ones,
A binary code for a heart that’s cold.
Who would have thought you’d crack it?

Sit down and take off your shoes.
Just be careful to shut the door behind you.
The wind is violent, and storm rages on,
But hush,
Put your arms around me
And believe in our sanctuary.

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Birthdays

sad

Do they have cake in heaven?

Because I think you deserve a party.

On earth they say you are late.

I say you missed your last birthday.

But did you have cake?

Did you stay the same age?

Or have you grown older?

Wiser in the light of God?

Do your eyes still crinkle

At the corners when you smile?

Is your smile permanent?

They told me it would be.

Do they have cake in heaven?

Because I think you deserve a party.

i carry your heart by e.e cummings

the carrier

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Conversations With Myself

“Do you ever think about the end?” she asks quietly.

“that’s morbid.” His voice is barely above a whisper.

“I don’t mean death. I mean us. How do you think we’ll break up?” her voice breaks. Tears spill over and roll onto the pillow. She does not wipe them away.

“I don’t know” he says woodenly.

“But is it inevitable?” she pushes relentlessly.

“Yes.” His hand no longer holds hers. The sheets are a sea of distance. Their hearts do not know each other anymore.

Enough

wallflower

image via Pinterest. Quote taken from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

You are beautiful and you are enough.
No, you still sound like you
Don’t believe that you are special
So I’ll say this again.
You are beautiful and you are enough.
Your beauty is not fleeting,
And neither is it “on the inside”
It shines through
Your eyes,
And leaves stardust
In others lives.

You are beautiful and you are enough.
Yes, you have been reduced
To a notch
On a bedpost
A slit on someone’s wrist
But you are beautiful and you are enough.

I know that people have convinced you that
Your broken smile
And dirty eyes,
Have no hold of desire,
That your awkwardly lumpy
Body,
Is not up to scratch,
I know that the rips and tears,
On the walls of your skull
The mental battles
You have fought,
Have pained your heart
But you are beautiful and you are enough.

You are beautiful and you are
enough.
I understand that,
You have been pushed aside,
But sometimes gutterflowers
Find strength in the shadows,
Sometimes the moonlight
Is the serenade of your heart,
You don’t need to be loud
Because, sweetheart,
You are beautiful and you are enough.

Lockdown : the Aftermath (cont)

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Photo by Sara Silva on Unsplash

I was mistaken in thinking that panic would ensue Milimo’s words.

Nope. I was greeted with overwhelming silence. Once again, we were a few misguided kids, trying to find our place in the world.

I sank into a chair and buries my head in my hands. I pressed my fingers to my eyelids, savouring the coolness of my fingertips on my overheated face. I exhaled, trying to wrap my head around the problem we had been presented with. Who could possibly have hacked us?

“Do we have any further information?” I asked croakily.

“The system the hacker is using is far beyond anything I’ve ever seen,” Milimo whispered, stuck between being scared and awestruck. “Their hacking methods are ridiculous. They set up several firewalls. I can’t even get their location.”

“But we can guess.” Silas said gravely, crossing the room. He stood in the middle of the room, flexing his muscles menacingly. “The only unusual activity we’ve seen was in the north of Lusaka. It’s pretty obvious that’s where they are.”

“We should go after them,” Stephanie piped up.

“We should do nothing of the sort,” I said, standing up. I walked right up to Silas and stared up at him, refusing to be intimidated by his huge stature.

“I already killed the whole country. I won’t let you guys die too.” I breathed out

“Oh, for fucks’ sake, we aren’t even living!” Stephanie yelled at me, her hair whipping around her face. “Those that hang out with the dead are dead! Do you really think hiding from shadows is being alive Chabota?”

“Steph, you were on my side.” I growled lowly.

“There are no sides!” She screamed angrily. “There’s life and death and us. But there are no sides”

 

I returned to my seat, feeling defeated. I needed the team to see reason, but the truth was I didn’t know what I was reasoning with them to do. As it stood, we were all sitting chickens, waiting on the sky to fall.

 

 

15.3879oS, 28.3297oE, Engineering Annex. STATUS: CONDEMNED

In the aftermath, I got used to the draft in the annex. Not because the windows were poorly boarded up with flimsy sheets of cardboard but because I never felt Stephanie next to me anymore when I woke up. We were miles apart. I often woke up groggy and wistful. Sometimes, Bupe would cross my mind, but I would shake those thoughts vehemently out my head. The past was behind us. This particular morning was colder than usual for a day in the middle of summer. I pulled myself from behind the boxes and woke up to what looked like a meeting.

“we’re glad you’re finally awake.” Stephanie said scathingly. I flipped my finger at her and pulled a chair into their jumbled circle.

“we’ve decided to investigate the activity in Lusaka North.”

 

 

15.4140° S, 28.2853° E, STATUS: INHABITABLE

Even before we shut down The Network, this old shopping mall gave me the creeps. It had been refurbished into office space for government spies, that masqueraded as people equally sinister. Interestingly enough, the black market flourished right next to the supposed law makers.

“I remember buying my first gun here,’ Silas said reminiscently. He chuckled as he added, “I also bought my first gun license.”

Milimo scoffed as he pulled out a tablet from his back pack. “They’ve completely secured the network. I can’t even monitor their activity.”

“did you try to look at the national electricity grid?” I asked non-commitally.

“of course, I did,” he scoffed.

“no need to be rude, brother.” I mumbled, throwing the peace sign at him.

“brother?” he asked incredulously. “Chabota, you’ve barely spoken to anyone since we shut this shit down!”

“you guys are acting like its all my fault. We were in it together!” I growled at him, taking a step closer to him. I flexed my knuckles, unconvincingly, feeling braver than I really was.

Milimo flung his arms apart and screamed, “look at you shifting the blame! I’ve been hacking into fucking infinity while you mope around the streets, picking up junk that reminds you of your dead girlfriend. I see you storing that stuff, in your locker dude.”

“it’s not like that.” I said, turning away angrily.

He laughed mirthlessly, “oh yeah, tell that to Stephanie.” Milimo turned away from me disgustedly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stephanie wipe her face as she stepped past us. I exhaled and fumbled blindly for a blunt.

Silas grabbed the blunt from my fingers and tossed it away. “I need you to be alert in this, we’re going in with guns. Also keep your goddamn emotions in check, you sound ridiculous.”

He stepped forward and motioned for us all to huddle.

“I can’t tell you guys I know much about what’s going on there, but I do know that its gonna be dangerous.” He said gravely. “Y’all got your weapons?”

Everyone nodded their assent. I was reminded that I needed to collect my own gun from the trunk of the car we had ‘acquired’ to get here. It was a very run-down Toyota Corolla. As I pulled the boot open and selected the smallest pistol I could find, I was reminded that freedom comes at a price.

Dear God

rain gif

Dear God.
Why am I crying tonight?
I thought I was happy
I am happy.

So why am I crying?

I guess the happiness overflowed
And I am empty again

But…
Why am I crying?

See God,
My life isn’t perfect
But it’s definitely good.
I am supposed to be happy.
But somedays
The dark cloud is closer.
The sun.
Oh the sun,
It shines so bright.
Its rays are so warm
But I don’t feel them.

Dear God.
You told me
That the light shines
On in the darkness
And that the
Dark shall never overwhelm the light.
But tell me, God.
Why can’t I find the light switch?
Did the bulb blow?
Oh God.

Some people told me that,
We are glow sticks.
We gotta break to shine,
But how many times can I bend,
Before I shatter completely?

Dear God.
I do not wanna say
That I cannot carry my cross
But oh, dear God,
I need a Joseph
On the way to Calvary,
Because I have fallen too many times.

Oh, dear God.
Everything seems to be building up
And yet falling.
Oh God. Oh, dear God.

I am supposed to be happy.
So, why aren’t I?

Dear You

 

Dear you.
Guess what?
The box you crafted
Out of the projection
Of your inadequacy
Does not fit my proportions.

I am too tall
For your puny mind
To fathom.
I am a sky scraper and you
You are an anthill,
Crushed to dust,
By people’s feet as they
Sweep over your insignificance,
You rebuild on shame and insecurity
And yet you expect me to shrink?

How funny.
Because you see, I am a mountain,
I rise high and above.
I am an unascendable fortress
Firm in the roots of the earth,
Three dimensional
The reflection of a Creator
Who took extra care on me.
But you. You are a grass plain.
Flat and uninspiring,
The trampled upon,
Suffering the underfoot of giants
As the walk past,
You are my door mat.

I am volcano,
Fierce and proud,
When I wake,
The whole earth tremors at my presence.
But you are just a kettle of boiling water,
The fire lit stove,
Easily put out.

You think that you can fit me
Inside your pocket,
But I am far above and beyond
Who you believe I am.
I do not fit in your palm,
I do not fit in your life,
And I most certainly do no
Fit in your mind.

The Distance, The Tears and The Lack Of Resolve

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Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

When we fight
It feels like there is a weight
Sitting on my chest,
Restricting my movements
Making me go slower
And slower
And slower.

When we fight
It feels like someone is gripping
My heart,
And squeezing it tight,
Making it beat fainter
And fainter
And fainter

It feels like someone stole my breath
And is constricting my air way, and it’s
Painful
So painful
Oh so very painful.

It feels like someone took our spark and snuffed it under his shoe.

It feels like you are your own person.
And I don’t belong to you.

Lockdown : The Aftermath

Status report : All previous sectors have been dissolved and reaffirmed into Lusaka city. National Archives (lat. long. Undefined.) Yielded poor results as to names of suburbs and residential areas. Missing records, either burnt or discarded.
Livestock have been rounded up and stray and cats have been impounded Diseased or wound animals were killed.
Remains of the people have been permanently locked in cold storage. Accessible only by computer short code.

Unusual activity in Lusaka North. Investigations under way.

Status report May 17; 20:49: Transformer power has been shut down in all areas. Computer network is compromised. Currently running on solar energy.

Status report; May 31, 21:03: Lights flared up in Lusaka North. Investigations underway.

Status report, June 2: Influx of strays in the streets. Ethernet network crashed.

15.3879° S, 28.3297° E: Former Engineering Annex.

The past month had made me get used to silence. The streets were dead quiet, save for the wind rustling through avenues of trees.
We also sat in silence. We tried but the atmosphere was quiet heavy around us yet for all that, we stayed together, appreciating that there is strength in numbers. Besides, it got lonely sometimes, walking through the neo-apocalyptic streets. Despite there being no immediate danger, we always found ourselves at the base by nine pm latest. I’d often find Milimo hunched a laptop, coding aimlessly, or if not playing mindless games. Silas found some old dumbbells and took to working out often. His spare moments were spent pumping weights. Stephanie and I drifted apart. She spent most of her time writing in a journal or crying. She had lost her sparkle. And I felt like awraith. Walking through the empty streets, hiding from people who aren’t there. I took an inventory of basically everything I came across. The buildings, the plants, the street furniture. I felt it kept me sane.
As per the usual I was back at the base before nine. The atmosphere in the base was heavy. Stephanie was crying again and Silas was pacing the room frantically. Milimo of course was typing furiously at his laptop, barely looking up as his fingers flew over the key board. Before I could speak, Stephanie flung herself into my arms, wailing.
“What’s going on?” I asked, fearing the worst.
“Chabota…” Milimo said from across the room. We’ve been hacked.”

Lonely

 

What You See – Sanctuary

black room photo on deviantart

photo via  black room photo on Deviant Art.

I am as you see me
Potent.
Venom brimming
And spilling over in angry tears,
Leaving scorches as tear tracks
Down my face.
I am delicate.
A flower,
Once lovely,
But now worn out and trampled upon,
My petals have faded and my head droops.

I am as you see me.
I don’t come with explanation,
It’s written upon my heart,
Which I wear on my sleeve.

I am damaged and lost
Wondering about like a wraith.
My screams from the past
Are silent
You only hear them with the beating of my heart.

But with me,
What you see is what you get.
Potent, fragile, delicate.

But with you.

What was, is not what is.
The dirt on my heart
From loves before this,
Is wiped clean
And restored to brand new
When I am beside you
I believe in nothing
But the infinitesimal space between us
I don’t believe in the turning
Of the world,
Because I get lost in the galaxies in your eyes
I don’t believe in death
Because you give me life.

I believe in us.
And the journey we will take.
With you,
Every tear has been spun
Into diamonds,
The evidence of the riches
Our legacy will leave behind.

I don’t believe in time,
The hands that tick on the clock on the wall
In the hallway,
But I believe in forever,
When our feet dance on paths
That will be everlasting
On the sands of an eternity.

I am as you see me.
Damaged and fragile,
But you are putting me back together.

Pompeii – Sanctuary

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Can you hear that?
It’s the sound of a dancing heart.

Can you hear that?
It’s the walls that are tumbling down,
Crashing into dust,
Pulling away
All the doubt
And casting away fear.

Do you feel it?
This heart, beating against your rib cage,
These hands
Holding onto yours,
The gravitational pull
When I look into your eyes
And get lost
In an endearing sea
Of affection.

Our love is a quiet love,
It lights up worlds in the dark
And runs to places
That only hearts can feel.

Our love is not explosive,
It implodes;
Creates earthquakes and tremors
Deep within me,
Deep within us.
It lights me up
From the inside out
Sets fire to the rain,
Gasoline and an ever so ready flame.

Aspirin and pain,
If I was cocaine
You’d be the shot,
Travelling up the tube,
And we dance
Frenzied,
Alive,
A running spark.
A running spark
Setting my emotions ablaze
Creating waves in vast oceans of our beings

Do you see me
Do you see the scars I bear?
Do you see the healing power ?

You have restored a heart,
That got to used to bleeding.
Happiness is me, coursing through my being
Running through my veins like blood
I feel my love spill over like a tsunami
I feel the hurricane of your love as you draw me closer
Tugging me so gently
Whispering all the words
That I needed to hear

Like a feather
I feel your embrace
Ever so light, ever so calm,
Be my guide
On a starry night
Constellations are the patterns of our love
And you are my true north.