I rub my hands across my eyes.



Twenty times.


Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash

I wash my face and stare off into the distance. I sigh. The air escapes my chest as a bubble that is as weary as I am. I look at my phone. 7 chats, all unread. I shrug. There were more chats yesterday. All asking for my attention, my love, my care, for me. I trade my soul for the wounds of other people, who forget that I too get tired. But you see, no amount of physical sleep can cure a tired soul. I have poured so much into other people that I am now an empty vessel.





Photo by Ahmed Rizkhaan on Unsplash



So I sleep the emotions away. I crawl into bed at 8 pm and I am out like a light. Sometimes the monsters visit me at 1 am, but these days they respect that I am too tired to even give them attention.


So I sleep. Like the world will stop momentarily. And let my heart and my soul catch up with my body.

I rub my hands across my eyes.




Twenty times.

This time a streak of tears glistens on my palm.


The Female Body


I stand in front of the mirror and regard my naked body; disparagingly. They say that each body is a work of art, so why may I not treat to it to critique. I sigh as I shrug. In the general sense of arms and legs, it looks fine. Well, save for flabby biceps and wide thighs. But the areas of my skin that my clothes do not hide are rife with flaws. Imperfections. Blemishes. Stretch marks trace paths over my ass, pointing towards…well. Scars are littered over my shins and calves, the memories of imaginary battles I fought as a free-spirited child. Acne scars scatter themselves across the bridge of my nose, connecting the dots of my incomplete adolescence.


I look at this body I own. In its awkward lumpiness and half formed curves. I sometimes despise this body. I wish it was straighter, like a stick. Glossy magazine cover acceptable, you know? But sometimes I wish…I wish it was like Beyoncé. A curve so blessed, it became bootyful. But at the end of the day, it’s the only body I have. I may dislike it on some days, but on all days, I respect it.


Soliloquy to My Lover


I heard, once upon a time, that life has a funny way of sneaking up upon you. When you least expect it, it happens all at once, and might just leave you a little bit dizzy from all the change. My mind wonders as I watch the buildings whizz past me, as I travel towards a place I call home.

“I would not call myself an obsessive girl. And neither would I say my thoughts stray towards you. Rather my thoughts stray away from you, towards other thoughts, seemingly pale in comparison to yourself.

I don’t want to give you a saviour complex, because I was not in need of completion.

But you came into my life, a tall dark stranger and smiled at me. A beautiful smile. Your smile. And somehow, my world turned upside down.

This is not supposed to be sappy or gross, this is a truth about the condition of my heart. Or perhaps former condition, somewhat old and torn, but still beating, still believing in love.

This serves as a soliloquy and a shout out.

To the man with the biggest heart that matches his delightful smile.

To the one, who makes me happy, makes my heart burst

It’s a thank you. For being here, with me, even if it seems like the distance is planets away.

This is for you being perfect. Perfect for me.”

It feels like no time has passed at all, before I reach my destination. My heart races as I walk, this feeling isn’t unfamiliar. It leaps, and bounds and makes perfectly timed pirouettes. Then I see you. And a smile spreads across my face, just like the millions of times before. I try (and fail) to hide it.  And then I am wrapped in your arms, in your warmth. Time melts away, and the world stands still.


It’s just you and me.



Tossed aside.
A casualty
Of the affections
Of a heart that was
Racing so fast,
It forgot to check
It’s rear mirrors
And inevitably

Discarded and disused,
Gone and forgotten.
A whisper in the memories
Of many nights long passed,
When stars would shine

For two unlucky lovers
Who thought they held time.

Downcast and disconsolate.
A girl who’s name you used to know,
A boy who’s heart you used to hold.

Lips that would part yours in kiss,
Are clamped together in a thin line.
Underscoring their disapproval of you.

Shuffling forward,
Away from the toxicity.

Your departure is as silent as a petal
Falling to the ground.


Battles of The Inner Mind


Photo by Tachina Lee on Unsplash

It’s a little bit funny,
How my heart will go out,
Smoke gun and barrel,
Waging a war,
But at the first sign of trouble,
Screams out retreat.
Dont get me wrong,
This is not defeat…
I’m not giving up,
But I’m not giving in.
I am protecting
My interests,
With dagger and knife,
Holding my sanity
Close to me,

I am outside my mind,
Convincing myself
That my heart is right,
When Lord knows I’ve never been more wrong

I’ve got the broken pieces
Of a trust betrayed
And you harbor none of the pain.
I have the tear stains on my face,
You have the gain
Of a story you were allowed to leave behind,
As I lay in the ashes,
Circling in our names
In the dust of the past.

I have a steely grin
Transfixed onto
A downcast face,
A heart of ice
That thaws to raw
And unforgiving muscle.

I breathe in pain,
In every sinew
Every pocket of air.

And then I exhale.
And let it go.

I swim in the thought
That my opinion is not absolute,
And while my feelings
Are valid,
They are misplaced,

And I understand.
That I am wrong.
And all I seek is forgiveness



He tells me i feel safe

But he runs away from the comfort I bring him

He looks me in my eyes and lies through his teeth
He mocks the vulnerability that comes labelled deep within me

He calls me emotional and makes me cut out this vein supplying my life with pure raw emotion

He wishes I was her

I do not know her but she makes my skin crawl with imperfection

He looks at me so tenderly

I know it isn’t me he sees
He sees her

This being forged from memory and brought to life every time he touches me

Every time he buries himself in me

He is with her
I lie in the confines of my heart


Bargaining with the Devil for some form of love
Hold Up


Breathe in

And smell the fresh air

Fish out of water trying to learn how…

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Tell Me Why


Photo by James Pond on Unsplash

Why did you teach me
To never be enough.
When I was young,
You forced my juvenile
Curls into a puff
And cursed me
With wishing they were straighter…better,
So I annihilated
My identity with
Acid that turned my curls limp
And damaged my soul

You taught me to dream,
But my dreams were not be brighter than my brother’s
You told him he was powerful,
A king in every right,
You spoke into his life,
But I,
I took the back seat
And the tumultuous road
Of childhood,
You reminded me that
I was not enough.
I needed a mother
But I got an adversary,
Fighting over
Everything that it meant to be me,
Tearing down walls
You had forced me to build,
Then you asked yourself why I never held my head high.

You’ve never laid a hand on me.
The beatings I suffered
Were internal and brutal and inside my head

I never had a place to escape,
But I was always looking for ways.

So I popped pills and said many hail Mary’s

I prayed decades on the rosary
And flipped through litanies
To St Jude
Because I am a hopeless case.
I allowed the thick lens
On my specs
To cloud my mind
And like a sheep,
I’d listen only to your voice.

I wrung my wrists
So I wouldn’t slit them,
I closed off independent thought,
In case it alerted me
That I deserved better…
I am almost a woman now,
I have learnt that my hair is beautiful kinky
That fat thighs save lives,
That my dreams mayn’t be technicolour,
But monochrome is still art.

I’ve learnt to be self sufficient,
To love me first

And though I wanted to need you.
I really don’t

Who am I kidding?
I need you more than anything in this world
But my need for you,
Is nothing
When you have none for me.

This is the 21st century,
My mind is permeable,
I can learn and unlearn
Knowledge is not static,
Like the creation of the world,
In whirlwinds of divine inspiration,
Thought out and planned,
I choose to write my path,
Tumultuous though the past has been,
I look ahead and with foresight level down the challenges ahead

100 Suns

30 Seconds To Mars lyrics are property and copyright of their owners. “100 Suns” lyrics provided for educational purposes and personal use only. 

I believe in nothing
Not the end and not the start
I believe in nothing
Not the earth and not the stars

I believe in nothing
Not the day and not the dark
I believe in nothing
But the beating of our hearts

I believe in nothing
One hundred suns until we part
I believe in nothing
Not in sin and not in God

I believe in nothing
Not in peace and not in war
I believe in nothing
But the truth in who we are

sun flower
image via  solangelo-fics. 

Enfin – the Mercury Tapes


photo via Pinterest.

Please don’t make me say I’m in love
Don’t pin me down
And make me look
Into your eyes
Because in them
I find a vast and lush

I can stop,
Let the atmosphere surround me
Fill me up
From the inside out
And purge myself of
Guilt and hurt.

I can reclaim my innocence
And offer it to you

I can take off my shoes
And allow you to see me,
I can hide behind a glass
And be a nobody.

I need this sanctuary,
Watered and cultivated
By the fibre of our beings

I find myself

Stripping off my clothes,
And laying bare and free
I put on freedom instead,
And let it encompass my body

I turn away from the rage
Of this broken world

And step into the tranquility
Of our personal shell.
Just you and I
Our bodies
Our auras
Intertwined and intermingling,
Creating a storm
In the middle of my being
And erupting in
Rosy pleasure.

Painting this once blank canvas
Floral hues
patterns of rainbows
And motifs of flowers.

My world has reduced
To this place
And we’ll explore
Every inch of it
Touch corners of our souls
That we didn’t know could exist
Breath air into lungs
That were before now
Caress and awaken
A carnal desire,
A deeper knowledge
A fuller taste
A better understanding of ourselves.
Of you and me
And us,
Dancing together
On these clay floors
Being separate
And yet being one

I allow myself to rest,
Deep in your garden.
My sanctuary

Across The Air – The Mercury Tapes


Across the air.

I giggle and somehow, your hand is in mine.

And the tone is set.

I can’t dance; I have two left feet!

So, I look at you.

And you’re more than looking at me,

You’re looking through me.

I follow your steps,

I allow you to guide me,

I let you carry me through

And own this dance.

And yet we stop.

Because you want to know

When I will claim this dance

As my own,

But the truth is

I am wholly afraid of falling

It doesn’t overshadow

My love for you,

But they are two entities,

Side by side

Stealing from each other

And feeding each other.

And now you’ve let go.

I am standing awkwardly,

My hands intertwining patterns

With my fingers.

Don’t let them see me cry.

Floodgates hold back

An avalanche of everything.

Through the hazy mist,

I see you hold out your hand

You smile and say

Lets try.



ying and yang spectrum

Against this dark skin
Is equally dark skin.

What is the colour of your love?
Is it when you cry in violet,
And breathe out scarlet?
When you love me in
A spectrum of green…

When you caress my body,
With peaches and plums
And paint me vermilion.

Perhaps when you wash me white with your words,
Or dye me platinum and gold.

I don’t care because
You love me a rainbow

And illuminate the
Darkest corners of my tired soul.

You shine a light
Into the darkness
That fights alongside me
As I wander in my day to day life.

You take this black untapped
Canvas of mine
And make it come alive
In the hues of love.

Or sometimes you
Envelope it
In the integrity of
And let it remain blank.

The colour of your love
Is a clear plastic prism
That lights up
When you shine a light on me
Only a trained heart can feel it.