Thoughts on Surviving

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image by Haenuli

Breath
In and out
Let the air flow through you,
Become one with you
Be a part of you.

Sweat.
Let the droplets of water
Cool you down,
Slide over the hurt and pain,
Remind you that you are alive.

And then stop
Everything.
Stop panicking.
Stop over thinking

Now live

Haenulis-drawing-5853a8c85e902__700

image by Haenuli. 

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Conformance

twiandlablog

He tells me i feel safe

But he runs away from the comfort I bring him

He looks me in my eyes and lies through his teeth
He mocks the vulnerability that comes labelled deep within me

He calls me emotional and makes me cut out this vein supplying my life with pure raw emotion

He wishes I was her

I do not know her but she makes my skin crawl with imperfection

He looks at me so tenderly

I know it isn’t me he sees
He sees her

This being forged from memory and brought to life every time he touches me

Every time he buries himself in me

He is with her
I lie in the confines of my heart

Crying

Bargaining with the Devil for some form of love
Hold Up

Wait

Breathe in

And smell the fresh air

Fish out of water trying to learn how…

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Tell Me Why

james-pond-191266

Photo by James Pond on Unsplash

Why did you teach me
To never be enough.
When I was young,
You forced my juvenile
Curls into a puff
And cursed me
With wishing they were straighter…better,
So I annihilated
My identity with
Acid that turned my curls limp
And damaged my soul

You taught me to dream,
But my dreams were not be brighter than my brother’s
You told him he was powerful,
A king in every right,
You spoke into his life,
But I,
I took the back seat
And the tumultuous road
Of childhood,
You reminded me that
I was not enough.
I needed a mother
But I got an adversary,
Fighting over
Everything that it meant to be me,
Tearing down walls
You had forced me to build,
Then you asked yourself why I never held my head high.

You’ve never laid a hand on me.
The beatings I suffered
Were internal and brutal and inside my head

I never had a place to escape,
But I was always looking for ways.

So I popped pills and said many hail Mary’s

I prayed decades on the rosary
And flipped through litanies
To St Jude
Because I am a hopeless case.
I allowed the thick lens
On my specs
To cloud my mind
And like a sheep,
I’d listen only to your voice.

I wrung my wrists
So I wouldn’t slit them,
I closed off independent thought,
In case it alerted me
That I deserved better…
I am almost a woman now,
I have learnt that my hair is beautiful kinky
That fat thighs save lives,
That my dreams mayn’t be technicolour,
But monochrome is still art.

I’ve learnt to be self sufficient,
To love me first

And though I wanted to need you.
I really don’t

Who am I kidding?
I need you more than anything in this world
But my need for you,
Is nothing
When you have none for me.

This is the 21st century,
My mind is permeable,
I can learn and unlearn
Knowledge is not static,
Like the creation of the world,
In whirlwinds of divine inspiration,
Thought out and planned,
I choose to write my path,
Tumultuous though the past has been,
I look ahead and with foresight level down the challenges ahead

100 Suns

30 Seconds To Mars lyrics are property and copyright of their owners. “100 Suns” lyrics provided for educational purposes and personal use only. 

I believe in nothing
Not the end and not the start
I believe in nothing
Not the earth and not the stars

I believe in nothing
Not the day and not the dark
I believe in nothing
But the beating of our hearts

I believe in nothing
One hundred suns until we part
I believe in nothing
Not in sin and not in God

I believe in nothing
Not in peace and not in war
I believe in nothing
But the truth in who we are

sun flower
image via  solangelo-fics. 

Enfin – the Mercury Tapes

cuddles

photo via Pinterest.

Please don’t make me say I’m in love
Don’t pin me down
And make me look
Into your eyes
Because in them
I find a vast and lush
Garden.

I can stop,
Let the atmosphere surround me
Fill me up
From the inside out
And purge myself of
Guilt and hurt.

I can reclaim my innocence
And offer it to you
Continuously.

I can take off my shoes
And allow you to see me,
I can hide behind a glass
And be a nobody.

I need this sanctuary,
Watered and cultivated
By the fibre of our beings

I find myself

Stripping off my clothes,
And laying bare and free
I put on freedom instead,
And let it encompass my body

I turn away from the rage
Of this broken world

And step into the tranquility
Of our personal shell.
Just you and I
Our bodies
Our auras
Intertwined and intermingling,
Creating a storm
In the middle of my being
And erupting in
Rosy pleasure.

Painting this once blank canvas
Floral hues
patterns of rainbows
And motifs of flowers.

My world has reduced
To this place
And we’ll explore
Every inch of it
Touch corners of our souls
That we didn’t know could exist
Breath air into lungs
That were before now
Dead.
Caress and awaken
A carnal desire,
A deeper knowledge
A fuller taste
A better understanding of ourselves.
Of you and me
And us,
Dancing together
On these clay floors
Being separate
And yet being one

I allow myself to rest,
Deep in your garden.
My sanctuary

Across The Air – The Mercury Tapes

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Across the air.

I giggle and somehow, your hand is in mine.

And the tone is set.

I can’t dance; I have two left feet!

So, I look at you.

And you’re more than looking at me,

You’re looking through me.

I follow your steps,

I allow you to guide me,

I let you carry me through

And own this dance.

And yet we stop.

Because you want to know

When I will claim this dance

As my own,

But the truth is

I am wholly afraid of falling

It doesn’t overshadow

My love for you,

But they are two entities,

Side by side

Stealing from each other

And feeding each other.

And now you’ve let go.

I am standing awkwardly,

My hands intertwining patterns

With my fingers.

Don’t let them see me cry.

Floodgates hold back

An avalanche of everything.

Through the hazy mist,

I see you hold out your hand

You smile and say

Lets try.

 

Spectrum

ying and yang spectrum

Against this dark skin
Is equally dark skin.

What is the colour of your love?
Is it when you cry in violet,
And breathe out scarlet?
When you love me in
A spectrum of green…

When you caress my body,
With peaches and plums
And paint me vermilion.

Perhaps when you wash me white with your words,
Or dye me platinum and gold.

I don’t care because
You love me a rainbow

And illuminate the
Darkest corners of my tired soul.

You shine a light
Into the darkness
That fights alongside me
As I wander in my day to day life.

You take this black untapped
Canvas of mine
And make it come alive
In the hues of love.

Or sometimes you
Envelope it
In the integrity of
Silence
And let it remain blank.

The colour of your love
Is a clear plastic prism
That lights up
When you shine a light on me
Only a trained heart can feel it.

LOCKDOWN Chapter 1

lockdown part 1

15.3879oS, 28.3297oE, Engineering Annex. STATUS: CONDEMNED

The apocalypse that my grandparent’s generation faced was not a biological weapon or zombies. Neither was it a tsunami or the world erupting in flames. It was lawlessness and greed. As stock markets grew and world powers cemented their iron rule, there were always those rats, the ones that wanted two bites at the apple.

As the world became digital, systematic attacks were carried out against the most powerful companies on Wall Street. Once the financial systems were crippled, they begun to target governments. Russia was first to fall, and the rest of the world followed soon after.

Chaos became an everyday occurrence, shops were looted, people were killed on the daily. Leaders either stepped down from power or were impeached, killed or crumbled under coup d’états.

In our country, as soon as the leader of the free world was found hanging from his ceiling, our own president immediately stepped away from office, no longer having the goodwill of the IMF to back him up. Jerabos finally had free reign in our country. And all hope seemed lost. Until Japan and Germany, the only remaining powers in the G20 made the decision.

They claimed the decision hurt them more than it hurt us, but we will never know the truth, they had the luxury of dying a natural death. The first biological weapon was launched across the world, a virus with effects similar to mustard gas. Crude in its delivery, but efficient, the weakest members of the population all died. The survivors however, were “treated”. Every single human alive, was linked to a worldwide network. The internet as it was known became a living breathing being, joining everyone. We were all one.

Each country had its own IP address and domain. Despite this, one person owned each domain, and naturally he was the most influential there was. The domains were shrouded in mystery. There were rumours that when The Custodian, as they were known died, the domain died with them, or others still that certain family members passed the domain down from hand to hand. The Custodian held the power of life and death in his hands. He was virtually unstoppable

04:35 CAT

I knew she wouldn’t be moving; she woke up at five am. But I enjoyed monitoring her movements online none the same. I wasn’t a stalker at all, I was looking out for her safety. Ever since my accident last year, I knew that nothing or no one was safe. No one was to be trusted. My girlfriend Bupe lay peacefully asleep in her house. It was slightly higher up in sector 15 but I couldn’t go visit her; curfew ended at 5:45. So instead I watched her little dot on my illegal GPS stay stationary, and I felt a little pang in my heart. I missed her. the project the boys and I started working on late last year was involving. If it worked, our generation would have a taste of true freedom. And if it didn’t, I would either be incarcerated for life or unplugged. Both were not welcoming.

Milimo spun around in his seat excitedly and faced me. He was working on a quantum computer, one he’d been building since he turned 15; he was naturally bright like that.

“I accessed her.” he whispered, wholly awestruck.

I looked at him, my head slightly to the side. “who?” I asked, confused.

 

“Marianna. I accessed Marianna’s web.” He threw his hands up triumphantly. “I did a lot of back hacking and searching, it was crazy. The algorithm had me up for months.” He pushed his dreadlocks out his face and leaned back in his chair, sighing. I was equally as awestruck. Before the accident, I learnt about Marianna’s web from a computer ethics class. We were given heavy warnings to why the dark web was not to be accessed, but over the course of three days all that changed.

‘what about the supposed Artificial Intelligence?” I asked.

“well, I am yet to come across her.” Milimo sighed. “I doubt she even exists.” He laughed.

“We need to clear out before they find us in here,” he said suddenly urgent. We cleaned up the numerous crisp packets and crumpled juice boxes. I swept the ashes from all my joints into a corner and shook some fine dust over the decrepit laptops of the engineering department. The Engineering building was once always bustling with activity, but after someone used the network to hack into a government account, it was Quarantined and then Condemned. The time was shortly after 5 am, we had to be stealthy. Due to the political situation at hand, we entered and exited through a disused air vent. I led the way, allowing Milimo to use his huge frame to his advantage. As soon as I placed my hand on the latch, a siren went off.

“shit” Milimo cursed. “keep calm it’s my computer” he continued gravely.

He rushed back to the table, typed frenetically and shut the warning off. I looked glanced over his shoulder, and read the warning on the screen “what you are doing is illegal.”

I scoffed. We both knew. But then I began to worry. “will we be found, Milimo?” I hissed, scared to raise my voice.

“look, you and I don’t exist. We run on a network that no one knows about. We are darker than the darker web.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “tell you what? You go ahead of me. I’ll talk to Silas in a minute, but we’ve nothing to worry about. Except curfew, go home and act normal. Take Bupe on a date, I know you’ve been missing her lately.”

“okay dude. I just hope…’ I hesitated. “you know what, never mind. Tell me if we’re meeting The Rats.”

Milimo clapped my back encouragingly and watched me gravely as I clambered through the air vent. I sat down in the vent and took a few moments to gather my thoughts.  I shook my head, hoping it would shake the thoughts out too. I grabbed my phone and used its backlight to pull out a tiny microchip from my pocket. My fingers reached to the back of my neck and found a perfectly rectangular scar. My calloused fingers struggled with the little chip but eventually managed to push it back into its former port.