Barren

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I tried to be a ray of sunshine
In your garden
Run my fingers
Over your stone walls
Caress you
With warmth and light
I tried to make your flowers grow
I tried to scorch
The weeds in your heart
Burn away the rubbish
And the debris
I tried to shine bright into your garden
But you wouldn’t let me.

You shut out the light
By building a wall so
High
That even my rays
Couldn’t climb
A glacier so strong
No one could break,
No one could touch.
Your garden is barren
Your field is fallow
Your wall is cold as ever

And me, the sunshine?
The sun traces a path in the sky
And where the darkness is too much for the light
The sun sets.

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I miss you

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

When I miss you
I text you
More than is necessary
I am a thorn in your side.

I’m annoying!
I drown you like a tidal wave
Of hot sticky emotions
That leave an after taste in my own mouth.

My feelings are not distasteful
But perhaps they are not ideal.

When I miss you
I need for the world to stop moving.
And rotate in the emptiness of my heart
As I convince myself
You miss me
You need me
You still want me.

When I miss you
I am crippled by petty feelings
A lack of strength.

But truthfully
I just want to be near you.

Battles of The Inner Mind

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Photo by Tachina Lee on Unsplash

It’s a little bit funny,
How my heart will go out,
Smoke gun and barrel,
Waging a war,
But at the first sign of trouble,
Screams out retreat.
Dont get me wrong,
This is not defeat…
I’m not giving up,
But I’m not giving in.
I am protecting
My interests,
With dagger and knife,
Holding my sanity
Close to me,

I am outside my mind,
Convincing myself
That my heart is right,
When Lord knows I’ve never been more wrong

But
I’ve got the broken pieces
Of a trust betrayed
And you harbor none of the pain.
I have the tear stains on my face,
You have the gain
Of a story you were allowed to leave behind,
As I lay in the ashes,
Circling in our names
In the dust of the past.

I have a steely grin
Transfixed onto
A downcast face,
A heart of ice
That thaws to raw
And unforgiving muscle.

I breathe in pain,
In every sinew
Every pocket of air.

And then I exhale.
And let it go.

I swim in the thought
That my opinion is not absolute,
And while my feelings
Are valid,
They are misplaced,

And I understand.
That I am wrong.
And all I seek is forgiveness

This Is Our Sanctuary

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 Oh honey,
Who would have thought,
I’d pull down the walls.
And yes the debris still clings to my hair,
But we’ll comb out the kinks.
Worry not, oh darling my dear,
It gets cold sometimes,
But we’ll hold onto each other in the dark night.
And when the night is over and the frost
Still lingers,
We’ll welcome the morning
With a smile,
And cast the rays of the sun,
Across the world, across our hearts.

I have been to the end of my tether,
I lost hope in faith
And sight of a new life,
I couldn’t even count to ten,
So I made my home
In a nest of zeroes and ones,
A binary code for a heart that’s cold.
Who would have thought you’d crack it?

Sit down and take off your shoes.
Just be careful to shut the door behind you.
The wind is violent, and storm rages on,
But hush,
Put your arms around me
And believe in our sanctuary.

Birthdays

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Do they have cake in heaven?

Because I think you deserve a party.

On earth they say you are late.

I say you missed your last birthday.

But did you have cake?

Did you stay the same age?

Or have you grown older?

Wiser in the light of God?

Do your eyes still crinkle

At the corners when you smile?

Is your smile permanent?

They told me it would be.

Do they have cake in heaven?

Because I think you deserve a party.

i carry your heart by e.e cummings

the carrier

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Enough

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image via Pinterest. Quote taken from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

You are beautiful and you are enough.
No, you still sound like you
Don’t believe that you are special
So I’ll say this again.
You are beautiful and you are enough.
Your beauty is not fleeting,
And neither is it “on the inside”
It shines through
Your eyes,
And leaves stardust
In others lives.

You are beautiful and you are enough.
Yes, you have been reduced
To a notch
On a bedpost
A slit on someone’s wrist
But you are beautiful and you are enough.

I know that people have convinced you that
Your broken smile
And dirty eyes,
Have no hold of desire,
That your awkwardly lumpy
Body,
Is not up to scratch,
I know that the rips and tears,
On the walls of your skull
The mental battles
You have fought,
Have pained your heart
But you are beautiful and you are enough.

You are beautiful and you are
enough.
I understand that,
You have been pushed aside,
But sometimes gutterflowers
Find strength in the shadows,
Sometimes the moonlight
Is the serenade of your heart,
You don’t need to be loud
Because, sweetheart,
You are beautiful and you are enough.

Dear God

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Dear God.
Why am I crying tonight?
I thought I was happy
I am happy.

So why am I crying?

I guess the happiness overflowed
And I am empty again

But…
Why am I crying?

See God,
My life isn’t perfect
But it’s definitely good.
I am supposed to be happy.
But somedays
The dark cloud is closer.
The sun.
Oh the sun,
It shines so bright.
Its rays are so warm
But I don’t feel them.

Dear God.
You told me
That the light shines
On in the darkness
And that the
Dark shall never overwhelm the light.
But tell me, God.
Why can’t I find the light switch?
Did the bulb blow?
Oh God.

Some people told me that,
We are glow sticks.
We gotta break to shine,
But how many times can I bend,
Before I shatter completely?

Dear God.
I do not wanna say
That I cannot carry my cross
But oh, dear God,
I need a Joseph
On the way to Calvary,
Because I have fallen too many times.

Oh, dear God.
Everything seems to be building up
And yet falling.
Oh God. Oh, dear God.

I am supposed to be happy.
So, why aren’t I?

Dear You

 

Dear you.
Guess what?
The box you crafted
Out of the projection
Of your inadequacy
Does not fit my proportions.

I am too tall
For your puny mind
To fathom.
I am a sky scraper and you
You are an anthill,
Crushed to dust,
By people’s feet as they
Sweep over your insignificance,
You rebuild on shame and insecurity
And yet you expect me to shrink?

How funny.
Because you see, I am a mountain,
I rise high and above.
I am an unascendable fortress
Firm in the roots of the earth,
Three dimensional
The reflection of a Creator
Who took extra care on me.
But you. You are a grass plain.
Flat and uninspiring,
The trampled upon,
Suffering the underfoot of giants
As the walk past,
You are my door mat.

I am volcano,
Fierce and proud,
When I wake,
The whole earth tremors at my presence.
But you are just a kettle of boiling water,
The fire lit stove,
Easily put out.

You think that you can fit me
Inside your pocket,
But I am far above and beyond
Who you believe I am.
I do not fit in your palm,
I do not fit in your life,
And I most certainly do no
Fit in your mind.