Thoughts on Surviving

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image by Haenuli

Breath
In and out
Let the air flow through you,
Become one with you
Be a part of you.

Sweat.
Let the droplets of water
Cool you down,
Slide over the hurt and pain,
Remind you that you are alive.

And then stop
Everything.
Stop panicking.
Stop over thinking

Now live

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image by Haenuli. 

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This Is Our Sanctuary

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 Oh honey,
Who would have thought,
I’d pull down the walls.
And yes the debris still clings to my hair,
But we’ll comb out the kinks.
Worry not, oh darling my dear,
It gets cold sometimes,
But we’ll hold onto each other in the dark night.
And when the night is over and the frost
Still lingers,
We’ll welcome the morning
With a smile,
And cast the rays of the sun,
Across the world, across our hearts.

I have been to the end of my tether,
I lost hope in faith
And sight of a new life,
I couldn’t even count to ten,
So I made my home
In a nest of zeroes and ones,
A binary code for a heart that’s cold.
Who would have thought you’d crack it?

Sit down and take off your shoes.
Just be careful to shut the door behind you.
The wind is violent, and storm rages on,
But hush,
Put your arms around me
And believe in our sanctuary.

Birthdays

sad

Do they have cake in heaven?

Because I think you deserve a party.

On earth they say you are late.

I say you missed your last birthday.

But did you have cake?

Did you stay the same age?

Or have you grown older?

Wiser in the light of God?

Do your eyes still crinkle

At the corners when you smile?

Is your smile permanent?

They told me it would be.

Do they have cake in heaven?

Because I think you deserve a party.

i carry your heart by e.e cummings

the carrier

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Enough

wallflower

image via Pinterest. Quote taken from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

You are beautiful and you are enough.
No, you still sound like you
Don’t believe that you are special
So I’ll say this again.
You are beautiful and you are enough.
Your beauty is not fleeting,
And neither is it “on the inside”
It shines through
Your eyes,
And leaves stardust
In others lives.

You are beautiful and you are enough.
Yes, you have been reduced
To a notch
On a bedpost
A slit on someone’s wrist
But you are beautiful and you are enough.

I know that people have convinced you that
Your broken smile
And dirty eyes,
Have no hold of desire,
That your awkwardly lumpy
Body,
Is not up to scratch,
I know that the rips and tears,
On the walls of your skull
The mental battles
You have fought,
Have pained your heart
But you are beautiful and you are enough.

You are beautiful and you are
enough.
I understand that,
You have been pushed aside,
But sometimes gutterflowers
Find strength in the shadows,
Sometimes the moonlight
Is the serenade of your heart,
You don’t need to be loud
Because, sweetheart,
You are beautiful and you are enough.

Dear God

rain gif

Dear God.
Why am I crying tonight?
I thought I was happy
I am happy.

So why am I crying?

I guess the happiness overflowed
And I am empty again

But…
Why am I crying?

See God,
My life isn’t perfect
But it’s definitely good.
I am supposed to be happy.
But somedays
The dark cloud is closer.
The sun.
Oh the sun,
It shines so bright.
Its rays are so warm
But I don’t feel them.

Dear God.
You told me
That the light shines
On in the darkness
And that the
Dark shall never overwhelm the light.
But tell me, God.
Why can’t I find the light switch?
Did the bulb blow?
Oh God.

Some people told me that,
We are glow sticks.
We gotta break to shine,
But how many times can I bend,
Before I shatter completely?

Dear God.
I do not wanna say
That I cannot carry my cross
But oh, dear God,
I need a Joseph
On the way to Calvary,
Because I have fallen too many times.

Oh, dear God.
Everything seems to be building up
And yet falling.
Oh God. Oh, dear God.

I am supposed to be happy.
So, why aren’t I?

Dear You

 

Dear you.
Guess what?
The box you crafted
Out of the projection
Of your inadequacy
Does not fit my proportions.

I am too tall
For your puny mind
To fathom.
I am a sky scraper and you
You are an anthill,
Crushed to dust,
By people’s feet as they
Sweep over your insignificance,
You rebuild on shame and insecurity
And yet you expect me to shrink?

How funny.
Because you see, I am a mountain,
I rise high and above.
I am an unascendable fortress
Firm in the roots of the earth,
Three dimensional
The reflection of a Creator
Who took extra care on me.
But you. You are a grass plain.
Flat and uninspiring,
The trampled upon,
Suffering the underfoot of giants
As the walk past,
You are my door mat.

I am volcano,
Fierce and proud,
When I wake,
The whole earth tremors at my presence.
But you are just a kettle of boiling water,
The fire lit stove,
Easily put out.

You think that you can fit me
Inside your pocket,
But I am far above and beyond
Who you believe I am.
I do not fit in your palm,
I do not fit in your life,
And I most certainly do no
Fit in your mind.

The Distance, The Tears and The Lack Of Resolve

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Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

When we fight
It feels like there is a weight
Sitting on my chest,
Restricting my movements
Making me go slower
And slower
And slower.

When we fight
It feels like someone is gripping
My heart,
And squeezing it tight,
Making it beat fainter
And fainter
And fainter

It feels like someone stole my breath
And is constricting my air way, and it’s
Painful
So painful
Oh so very painful.

It feels like someone took our spark and snuffed it under his shoe.

It feels like you are your own person.
And I don’t belong to you.

Tell Me Why

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Photo by James Pond on Unsplash

Why did you teach me
To never be enough.
When I was young,
You forced my juvenile
Curls into a puff
And cursed me
With wishing they were straighter…better,
So I annihilated
My identity with
Acid that turned my curls limp
And damaged my soul

You taught me to dream,
But my dreams were not be brighter than my brother’s
You told him he was powerful,
A king in every right,
You spoke into his life,
But I,
I took the back seat
And the tumultuous road
Of childhood,
You reminded me that
I was not enough.
I needed a mother
But I got an adversary,
Fighting over
Everything that it meant to be me,
Tearing down walls
You had forced me to build,
Then you asked yourself why I never held my head high.

You’ve never laid a hand on me.
The beatings I suffered
Were internal and brutal and inside my head

I never had a place to escape,
But I was always looking for ways.

So I popped pills and said many hail Mary’s

I prayed decades on the rosary
And flipped through litanies
To St Jude
Because I am a hopeless case.
I allowed the thick lens
On my specs
To cloud my mind
And like a sheep,
I’d listen only to your voice.

I wrung my wrists
So I wouldn’t slit them,
I closed off independent thought,
In case it alerted me
That I deserved better…
I am almost a woman now,
I have learnt that my hair is beautiful kinky
That fat thighs save lives,
That my dreams mayn’t be technicolour,
But monochrome is still art.

I’ve learnt to be self sufficient,
To love me first

And though I wanted to need you.
I really don’t

Who am I kidding?
I need you more than anything in this world
But my need for you,
Is nothing
When you have none for me.

This is the 21st century,
My mind is permeable,
I can learn and unlearn
Knowledge is not static,
Like the creation of the world,
In whirlwinds of divine inspiration,
Thought out and planned,
I choose to write my path,
Tumultuous though the past has been,
I look ahead and with foresight level down the challenges ahead

What You See – Sanctuary

black room photo on deviantart

photo via  black room photo on Deviant Art.

I am as you see me
Potent.
Venom brimming
And spilling over in angry tears,
Leaving scorches as tear tracks
Down my face.
I am delicate.
A flower,
Once lovely,
But now worn out and trampled upon,
My petals have faded and my head droops.

I am as you see me.
I don’t come with explanation,
It’s written upon my heart,
Which I wear on my sleeve.

I am damaged and lost
Wondering about like a wraith.
My screams from the past
Are silent
You only hear them with the beating of my heart.

But with me,
What you see is what you get.
Potent, fragile, delicate.

But with you.

What was, is not what is.
The dirt on my heart
From loves before this,
Is wiped clean
And restored to brand new
When I am beside you
I believe in nothing
But the infinitesimal space between us
I don’t believe in the turning
Of the world,
Because I get lost in the galaxies in your eyes
I don’t believe in death
Because you give me life.

I believe in us.
And the journey we will take.
With you,
Every tear has been spun
Into diamonds,
The evidence of the riches
Our legacy will leave behind.

I don’t believe in time,
The hands that tick on the clock on the wall
In the hallway,
But I believe in forever,
When our feet dance on paths
That will be everlasting
On the sands of an eternity.

I am as you see me.
Damaged and fragile,
But you are putting me back together.

Survivor’s Guilt – Sanctuary

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 I’ll tell you the truth,
Its okay to call me selfish
But I am drowning
In this sea of tears
We cried together.
I was the first to pull on the lifeline
And I shouldn’t have survivor’s guilt
But I don’t want to leave you behind.

My heart is happier than its ever been.
But once before I saw no sunlight
I should be able to hand you a torch
But I’m using the light
To shine into the corners
Of my own heart
And sweep away the cobwebs.

I should throw you a rope,
But I’m using all my string
To hang up decorations,
I’d have sent you a box of matches
But I’ve used them all
To light the candles on my cake.

I don’t want to go back.
I don’t want to risk my first chance
At peace.
It might just be the last.

But I can’t leave you behind
And call it good faith.
I didn’t love you less,
I just loved me more.
And that’s selfish.

I don’t wanna sit in the dark.
But right now I haven’t got light
To spare.

I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be this person.
But when the worst comes to push and play,
How do I choose between me and you?
People are temporary and things change,
Nothing is static.

So who do I choose?
I’ll be truthful, I am being selfish this time.

My Ivory Tower is My #Sanctuary

rapunzel tower via pinterest

photo via Pinterest. 

You thought you could climb to the top
Of my ivory tower?
Oh honey,
Loving me
Is like the careful unwrapping of an onion
It consists of both
Equal parts
Patience and frustration
And if you’re not strong enough
You may end up tears.
Oh honey.

Did you think I was Rapunzel?
That I’d let my hair down,
And allow you to encroach
Into my private space
And set up camp?
Oh dear.

I am sitting in the middle of my sanctuary
But someone has left the door open,
And a cool breeze steals in.

Where there was warmth
And security
Even in solitude
Is now replaced
By the fear
Of pursuing something new.
You see, honey,
I was safe and secure,
I called the shots
And you took the bullets,
But now it’s time
That I hang my armour up

And fight without a shield.

The battlefield, this battlefield
Is not a plane
On which heroes fight and die,
It’s the narrow
Corridors and walkways
Of my mind.

Did you think I’d let you climb up
My ivory tower?

Oh honey, it seems we have a problem there.