Tell Me Why

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Photo by James Pond on Unsplash

Why did you teach me
To never be enough.
When I was young,
You forced my juvenile
Curls into a puff
And cursed me
With wishing they were straighter…better,
So I annihilated
My identity with
Acid that turned my curls limp
And damaged my soul

You taught me to dream,
But my dreams were not be brighter than my brother’s
You told him he was powerful,
A king in every right,
You spoke into his life,
But I,
I took the back seat
And the tumultuous road
Of childhood,
You reminded me that
I was not enough.
I needed a mother
But I got an adversary,
Fighting over
Everything that it meant to be me,
Tearing down walls
You had forced me to build,
Then you asked yourself why I never held my head high.

You’ve never laid a hand on me.
The beatings I suffered
Were internal and brutal and inside my head

I never had a place to escape,
But I was always looking for ways.

So I popped pills and said many hail Mary’s

I prayed decades on the rosary
And flipped through litanies
To St Jude
Because I am a hopeless case.
I allowed the thick lens
On my specs
To cloud my mind
And like a sheep,
I’d listen only to your voice.

I wrung my wrists
So I wouldn’t slit them,
I closed off independent thought,
In case it alerted me
That I deserved better…
I am almost a woman now,
I have learnt that my hair is beautiful kinky
That fat thighs save lives,
That my dreams mayn’t be technicolour,
But monochrome is still art.

I’ve learnt to be self sufficient,
To love me first

And though I wanted to need you.
I really don’t

Who am I kidding?
I need you more than anything in this world
But my need for you,
Is nothing
When you have none for me.

This is the 21st century,
My mind is permeable,
I can learn and unlearn
Knowledge is not static,
Like the creation of the world,
In whirlwinds of divine inspiration,
Thought out and planned,
I choose to write my path,
Tumultuous though the past has been,
I look ahead and with foresight level down the challenges ahead

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What You See – Sanctuary

black room photo on deviantart

photo via  black room photo on Deviant Art.

I am as you see me
Potent.
Venom brimming
And spilling over in angry tears,
Leaving scorches as tear tracks
Down my face.
I am delicate.
A flower,
Once lovely,
But now worn out and trampled upon,
My petals have faded and my head droops.

I am as you see me.
I don’t come with explanation,
It’s written upon my heart,
Which I wear on my sleeve.

I am damaged and lost
Wondering about like a wraith.
My screams from the past
Are silent
You only hear them with the beating of my heart.

But with me,
What you see is what you get.
Potent, fragile, delicate.

But with you.

What was, is not what is.
The dirt on my heart
From loves before this,
Is wiped clean
And restored to brand new
When I am beside you
I believe in nothing
But the infinitesimal space between us
I don’t believe in the turning
Of the world,
Because I get lost in the galaxies in your eyes
I don’t believe in death
Because you give me life.

I believe in us.
And the journey we will take.
With you,
Every tear has been spun
Into diamonds,
The evidence of the riches
Our legacy will leave behind.

I don’t believe in time,
The hands that tick on the clock on the wall
In the hallway,
But I believe in forever,
When our feet dance on paths
That will be everlasting
On the sands of an eternity.

I am as you see me.
Damaged and fragile,
But you are putting me back together.

Survivor’s Guilt – Sanctuary

barely_holding_on_by_raining_insanity-d8ut63u

 I’ll tell you the truth,
Its okay to call me selfish
But I am drowning
In this sea of tears
We cried together.
I was the first to pull on the lifeline
And I shouldn’t have survivor’s guilt
But I don’t want to leave you behind.

My heart is happier than its ever been.
But once before I saw no sunlight
I should be able to hand you a torch
But I’m using the light
To shine into the corners
Of my own heart
And sweep away the cobwebs.

I should throw you a rope,
But I’m using all my string
To hang up decorations,
I’d have sent you a box of matches
But I’ve used them all
To light the candles on my cake.

I don’t want to go back.
I don’t want to risk my first chance
At peace.
It might just be the last.

But I can’t leave you behind
And call it good faith.
I didn’t love you less,
I just loved me more.
And that’s selfish.

I don’t wanna sit in the dark.
But right now I haven’t got light
To spare.

I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be this person.
But when the worst comes to push and play,
How do I choose between me and you?
People are temporary and things change,
Nothing is static.

So who do I choose?
I’ll be truthful, I am being selfish this time.

My Ivory Tower is My #Sanctuary

rapunzel tower via pinterest

photo via Pinterest. 

You thought you could climb to the top
Of my ivory tower?
Oh honey,
Loving me
Is like the careful unwrapping of an onion
It consists of both
Equal parts
Patience and frustration
And if you’re not strong enough
You may end up tears.
Oh honey.

Did you think I was Rapunzel?
That I’d let my hair down,
And allow you to encroach
Into my private space
And set up camp?
Oh dear.

I am sitting in the middle of my sanctuary
But someone has left the door open,
And a cool breeze steals in.

Where there was warmth
And security
Even in solitude
Is now replaced
By the fear
Of pursuing something new.
You see, honey,
I was safe and secure,
I called the shots
And you took the bullets,
But now it’s time
That I hang my armour up

And fight without a shield.

The battlefield, this battlefield
Is not a plane
On which heroes fight and die,
It’s the narrow
Corridors and walkways
Of my mind.

Did you think I’d let you climb up
My ivory tower?

Oh honey, it seems we have a problem there.

Daddy

red umbrella

Red Umbrella by carlosthe on deviantART

Today I missed you more than usual,
I missed your voice
I missed your presence.
Perhaps I should have
Expressed this better
But life comes at you fast
Like a speeding car
Hurtling down the side
Of a lonely windswept hill,
On what should have been a work trip.
In between your destination.
In between heaven and earth.

It’s been 12 years.
I sometimes hear the echo
Of your voice
Carried on the deep baritone
Of your son,
I sometimes hear your voice
Carried out in the sigh
Of Mom.
I sometimes hear your voice
As I breathe
And weep before I sleep.

It’s been 12 years.

I still feel the 9 year old confusion
Half believing you would come back home
Small eyes looking
But unseeing
Into a box that confined her hero
To stiff movements
And a half smile as if to say
It gets better than this.

It’s been 12 years.

You didn’t have the chance to see your sons
Become men
And your daughter don womanhood,
Or stand by your wife’s side
As she demonstrated
Unrivaled strength

I only had the chance to say
My daddy is my hero
Post mortem.

It’s been 12 very long years.
And it’ll be many more years ahead.

Today I miss you more than usual.

Enfin – the Mercury Tapes

cuddles

photo via Pinterest.

Please don’t make me say I’m in love
Don’t pin me down
And make me look
Into your eyes
Because in them
I find a vast and lush
Garden.

I can stop,
Let the atmosphere surround me
Fill me up
From the inside out
And purge myself of
Guilt and hurt.

I can reclaim my innocence
And offer it to you
Continuously.

I can take off my shoes
And allow you to see me,
I can hide behind a glass
And be a nobody.

I need this sanctuary,
Watered and cultivated
By the fibre of our beings

I find myself

Stripping off my clothes,
And laying bare and free
I put on freedom instead,
And let it encompass my body

I turn away from the rage
Of this broken world

And step into the tranquility
Of our personal shell.
Just you and I
Our bodies
Our auras
Intertwined and intermingling,
Creating a storm
In the middle of my being
And erupting in
Rosy pleasure.

Painting this once blank canvas
Floral hues
patterns of rainbows
And motifs of flowers.

My world has reduced
To this place
And we’ll explore
Every inch of it
Touch corners of our souls
That we didn’t know could exist
Breath air into lungs
That were before now
Dead.
Caress and awaken
A carnal desire,
A deeper knowledge
A fuller taste
A better understanding of ourselves.
Of you and me
And us,
Dancing together
On these clay floors
Being separate
And yet being one

I allow myself to rest,
Deep in your garden.
My sanctuary

DEATH SPEAKS IN CAPITAL LETTERS

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Death is passing by,
On a journey
That had a destination
Unknown to us

But death does not walk alone

Death must have a travelling companion.

Death talks in capital letters
And death specifically calls my name.

Her voice is sweet
And seductive
She’s offers a solution.
To problems I feel
I do not have
But the pain is more than alive
Taunting death,
Looking her straight in the eye

Death beckons with
A beautiful hand
Holding it out to me
Calmly but impatiently

She speaks in capital letters

Too Quiet and Way Too Far Away – The Mercury Tapes

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I want love.
That explosions in your tummy
Love.
That burn your house down after we argue love
And make out in
Lonely parking lots.
I wanna light fires with you
Scream curses at the lightning
In the midst of the storm.
I want to unchain myself
Run free and tumble
Down hills.
I want explosions in my brain,
Sparks in my heart.
I want raw love

I’m just kidding.

I want the kind of love
Where I can hold your hand
And know that
My life is falling into place love
I want the kind of love where
I can trust you without fear
And lose my shell
Completely.

I want the love that
Takes a sledgehammer
And smashes down the concrete wall
I’d systematically
Put up around my heart
And around my brain

I want love where
You’re pulling me
Out of the rain
And helping me get dry.

But I am still standing in the rain.

Lighting flashes before my eyes
Illuminates
The sadness that I am.

My heart is still cold,
And ashes are scattered
In the fire place,

I want that love.

Doubts – The Mercury Tapes

diz-play-31367

Photo by Diz Play on Unsplash

I have a dark cloud
That follows me
Some days,
I’m a ray of pure
Sunshine
Spreading light, love peace and happiness
But sometimes,
The “what ifs” are louder
Than the truth.

Sometimes doubt
Takes a perch on my shoulder
And whispers seductively
Into my ears.

Sometimes fear
Holds my hand
And because
I am afraid of solitude
I don’t ask it to let go.

Sometimes I am a downer
And sometimes I’m a kite.

Sometimes I am the sky
And sometimes I am the rain cloud.

Most times,
I’m just quietly me

Across The Air – The Mercury Tapes

jake-davies-235504

Across the air.

I giggle and somehow, your hand is in mine.

And the tone is set.

I can’t dance; I have two left feet!

So, I look at you.

And you’re more than looking at me,

You’re looking through me.

I follow your steps,

I allow you to guide me,

I let you carry me through

And own this dance.

And yet we stop.

Because you want to know

When I will claim this dance

As my own,

But the truth is

I am wholly afraid of falling

It doesn’t overshadow

My love for you,

But they are two entities,

Side by side

Stealing from each other

And feeding each other.

And now you’ve let go.

I am standing awkwardly,

My hands intertwining patterns

With my fingers.

Don’t let them see me cry.

Floodgates hold back

An avalanche of everything.

Through the hazy mist,

I see you hold out your hand

You smile and say

Lets try.

 

The Mercury Tapes – Conceptualizing

spectrum

I am living on borrowed time

Hush, smoke your cigarette, grind it to dust and ash
and lets live here,
in the moment.
Life doesn’t begin, reminiscing on the death it has not experienced;
life doesn’t begin on a low.
so take your hat off, lay your aching back on the warm sand.

Now look at me.

There is a whole world out there
and there is everything going on between us.
I dont want to think about the future
because, it may never come.
Please don’t mention forever because I might have found it in your eyes.

I don’t know
whats going to happen
See, I am living on borrowed time.

Today will fade and next week will steal our time away.
Lay with me.
Press your body against mine.
be with me.
i know its impossible
but lets grab a hold of time

Spectrum

ying and yang spectrum

Against this dark skin
Is equally dark skin.

What is the colour of your love?
Is it when you cry in violet,
And breathe out scarlet?
When you love me in
A spectrum of green…

When you caress my body,
With peaches and plums
And paint me vermilion.

Perhaps when you wash me white with your words,
Or dye me platinum and gold.

I don’t care because
You love me a rainbow

And illuminate the
Darkest corners of my tired soul.

You shine a light
Into the darkness
That fights alongside me
As I wander in my day to day life.

You take this black untapped
Canvas of mine
And make it come alive
In the hues of love.

Or sometimes you
Envelope it
In the integrity of
Silence
And let it remain blank.

The colour of your love
Is a clear plastic prism
That lights up
When you shine a light on me
Only a trained heart can feel it.