The Amulet of Mukuba- Episode One

I am not a people person.

Which is why by the time the company bus slid into the glittery lights of late afternoon Kitwe, I was frizzled out and my social battery completely drained. I refrained from partaking in the awestruck ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ of my companions, as they counted off many similar landmarks around the country. It was a six hour drive and my patience wore thin, as we wove in and out of the many towns seperating Lusaka and Kitwe.

I could practically hear a collective sigh of relief from my three colleagues, as we passed the infamous Black Mountain and slid into the meandering end of day traffic in the mine town’s CBD. Despite my exhaustion from the long journey, I actually liked Kitwe. It had a different sense to it than Lusaka, somewhere between lackadaisical and urgent, the story of city where still waters truly do run deep. We reached the city as the sun was setting, and almost as if a reminder went off, lights sprung to life almost immediately.

“Kitwe is organized, huh” Jerome remarked.

“Oh, I know right,” Ketty purred, agreeing with him as always.

I rolled my eyes and ignored them. Ketty’s crush on Jerome was painful to watch. Chilufya, who was driving focused his eyes on the road, as we turned off into a dusty gravel road, where our accommodation would be for the next few weeks.

“Lights or not. We ought to be careful,” Chilufya murmured, as he drove slowly, navigating the dips and bumps of the road.

“I thought jerabos were a thing of the past,” I said lazily, watching the landscape outside my window fade into dusk.

“Something is amiss in this city,” Chilufya replied evenly, “ There’s a lot worse in this world than a thief.”

As I gazed out the window, I gasped in surprise as I saw people lighting lanterns outside their gates and fixing mirrors right next to them. I caught the eye of an old woman, who hobbled slowly away from her makeshift gate, a small hand held mirror attached clumsily to its frame. She looked at me searchingly, as if suspicious of our presence.

“Whats with the mirrors?” I asked no one in particular.

“It’s a stupid ritual that was done away with in the 80s,” Jerome said. “People put up mirrors to ward off evil spirits. My grandmother used to do it. I never knew it made a come back.”

“I bet your grandmother had the most beautiful mirror outside her gate,” Ketty said, in a disgustingly sweet voice.

“What?” Jerome said, batting her away with irritation. He rolled his eyes. “It seems it’s become a shared superstition, city over,” he continued, joining me in gazing at the dusky landscape.

“Like I said,” Chilufya growled, “there is far more worse than a thief.”

I started to laugh, Chilufya was far too young to have such superstitions. My laugh ended in my throat and was replaced by a scream as the car lurched suddenly to the side, and careened off the gravel road, hurtling uncontrollably to what appeared to be a large ditch. I grabbed frantically at whatever I could as I felt the car tilt sideways. Chilufya grunted with the effort of trying to control the car, and by some miracle we made a round spin and the car rested in the middle of the gravel road. Ketty had taken advantage of the situation and was holding onto Jerome, who was trying desperately to free himself from her clutches. I exhaled shakily, glad that for the most part, we were all unharmed. I tried to open the door, but Chilufya stopped me.

“Look,” he whispered, so quietly I wouldn’t have caught it had I not been next to him. Crouching in a tumble of weeds and unkempt hedges, was a man with what could only be described as obsidian skin. His skin was flawless and darker than the night, yet rather than absorbing light, it cast it off in an eerie glow. He had his hands on the collar of the largest dog I’d ever seen in my life. Both were baring their fangs at us.

“Fangs?! Humans don’t have fangs!” I thought frantically. I turned to point this out to Chilufya, who shook his head silently, as if asking me not to say anything. I turned back to get another look of the beautiful black man, but he was gone.

“Chilu, what the hell?” I demanded, as I turned again. With a stoic face, Chilu was pointing a mirror at where the man and his dog once were.

Sprut Octupus via Pinterest.

Sunshine Wanes To Rain

What about me wasn’t enough?
I bled through three hearts
trying to be the one
who was the
red-streaked cloud
at the sunset,
that welcomes home the fiery disc
but instead, did my smother make you sick?

What happened to the long river
of compassion
that made my tears
rend a length wise slit
in your heart?

Remember when you said
you didn’t want to hurt me?

Instead you killed me.

The sweet innocence
of tasting sunshine
on a December day,
has scorched my tongue
and burnt my teeth.

But please,
as I nurse my wounds
answer me;
what about me wasn’t enough?

Before The Shoreline

To say this year has been nothing short of nightmarish would be an understatement.

This year has thrown me challenges beyond what I thought I was capable of dealing with and piecing myself back together has been a continuous uphill battle.

Escaping my mind used to be my way of dealing with previous traumas, issues and challenges but eventually the things you pushed away come right back to the forefront. I’ve had to stop down with myself and have some very stern conversations.

I’ve also had to confront many fears, and part of that was taking up some leadership roles. I contested successfully for the University of Zambia Media Students Association as secretary general and applied for a role as sub-editor. I’m afraid of taking the limelight (somewhat unbelievable) yet, I chose to propel myself out of my comfort zone for two reasons

1. I genuinely want to make a difference

2. Difficult situations make us grow.

 

I’m really scared; what if I’ve made a bad choice?

What if I fail to deliver?

These questions only cover the tip of the iceberg of my fears and insecurities. 😅

I’m happy that people have seen my leadership abilities, but the fear of failure really looms at the back of my mind.

I’ve had so many mental break downs this term, and have more than once convinced myself to not do the unthinkable. It’s been so hard lately. But just as the night is always darkest before the dawn, the journey is always roughest before the shoreline I guess.

Maybe it gets better. And if it doesn’t, at least I’ve gotten stronger.

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Photo via Reddit.

 

 

A girl, A cloud, A ruin.

Imagine a cloud.

No, a dark cloud.

No, a rain cloud.

No, a storm.

A large storm that’s brewing on the horizon

So big and scary and foreboding

And you’re so so sure that the rain

Will finally come

And quench the parched parched ground,

but the wind blows over and the sky is left unfeeling.

Imagine a building.

So close to the edge of collapse.

No imagine a ruin.

A shadow of a former building.

A shadow of a former self.

And there are feelings.

So many feelings.

So many feelings of nothing in the windows.

Imagine a girl,

No, a lady.

No. A woman?

Nah, a girl.

A girl that’s like a storm that refused to rain,

And a girl that’s like a building reduced to ruin.

A girl that’s like a shadow,

A girl that used to be a girl.

With(out) You

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I see you and feel a surge of emotions
That culminates in a sheen of salt tears
On my upper lip.
Seeing that smile,
Those eyes that crinkle at the corners
When you laugh
Does something to me;
Seizes my heart and squeezes it
Till it is no more than a limp pump
Of blood and emotions I run away from.

I am reminded of my inadequacy
When you look
through me

I am reminded of everything
I ever hoped for and never had.

I’m reminded of all the thibth about you
That made me joyful
And all the things about me that made me sad.
I’m reminded of nights by you.
Being loved by you.
Being wanted to by you.

And I realize it’s no more.
The tears pool down my chin now
I can see my reflection
Wobbly and shattered
Yet I still smile for you.

You’re my weakness, I guess.

Lightning

This poem was inspired by a tweet by @TheScaryNature 👇

 

“Lightning struck this tree and burned it from the inside out.”

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You see before a storm is a storm
It’s cloud nine.
And before cloud nine,
It’s a dream of what could be if we just held our breath long enough
And when we finally exhale,
We set this ship a-sail,
Until we drifted right into a storm.

Lightning struck this tree and burned it from the inside out.
Lightning gouged out my heart
A left me a smouldering mess.

So in this garden, in which you were my sanctuary
Where I planted each rose for every I love you,
And each rose grew a thorn for every rejection
Lightning struck this tree and burned it from the inside out.

If this tree is our love and lightning is the world
Then lightning struck this tree and burned it from the inside out.
The fire smouldered and sizzled.
The fire dwindled but the fire was never put out.

And finally, when every rose withered
And every thorn has cut my fingers
As I try to trace my heart to the begin,
Before we ran this ship right into a storm,
I withdraw my hand in pain.

Lightning struck this tree and burned it from the inside out.
And now we are a hollow shell of what we were before.

Lightning struck this tree and burned it from the inside out.

In Anticipation

2018 was a wild year.

There were hella ups and downs for me. i started the year with a lot of optimism. and for the first part of the year, things were …okay.

I was happy, i smiled a lot, i was more or less confident. what could bring me down?

Oh ho ho. A lot did.

I’m not going to delve into details just yet, but the second half of the year was near traumatic. I experienced a lot of hurts but the great part is I learnt something from all the pain.

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So as 2018 draws to a close, I have decided to make an affirmation to myself.

One of the biggest lessons I learnt this year, is that I will only ever consistently have myself. While I will have a support system and friends around me, they are human too and will experience their own ups and downs. Sometimes they may drift away, or we’ll just stop talking. And that’s okay, that’s not their fault.

Through the ups and downs of this year, i learnt to stop leaning on others emotionally and to lean on myself.

At the end of the day, i’m truly all I’ve got.

so as 2019 approaches, i have a promise to myself.

I’m going to fall so heavily in love with myself that I will never accept a love that is beneath me.

I’m going to be so kind to myself that I will never again allow someone to speak down on me.

I’m going to be so full of light, that I will no longer require other people to shine through me.

I’m going to be so happy to be me that never again will I try to be someone else.

I suppose these are my goals for 2019, to seek peace within myself, rather than from outside.

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2019 will be the year that I finally put myself first and live in the peace that comes from being secure in who you are.

So as 2018 closes, I have one thing left to say:

Stay fluffy

Stay soft

Stay kind

Stay beautiful.

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#22Before22:EXPLETIVES!

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Photo by Jordan Donaldson | @jordi.d on Unsplash

A lady doesn’t cuss.

That’s what they tell me.

In fact, they tell me a lot of things. Don’t talk like that, don’t dress like that, don’t sit like that. Do this and do that. In fact, it feels like my whole life is a set of rules that I have to follow.

I find it quite boring.

I started cussing when I was pretty young. If I’m being fair. I probably learnt the swear words from my older brothers. And I felt kind of rebellious saying such words as a young and innocent looking young girl.

It gave me ~power~.

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Photo by Oladimeji Odunsi on Unsplash

Of course friends too started swearing and that sense of power was robbed from me, but at that time in my life I felt like the baddest b*&%#.

As I grew older, I tried to tame my potty mouth. That didn’t work at all. But I did notice something. As a young woman, so much of who we are is policed by society. How we wear our hair, how we dress, speak, eat, LIVE!

It’s exhausting.

By policing a woman’s language and disallowing her to speak the way she deems fit you are stripping her of a power that’s so rare. Ever noticed in an argument, someone always shouts just to get the other to listen?

So it is with a woman’s words. Sometimes she has to be a bit rougher, a bit ruder, a bit stricter, a bit angrier.

And if that’s the only way we can get them to listen, well then <<insert violent expletives.>>

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Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

I miss you

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

When I miss you
I text you
More than is necessary
I am a thorn in your side.

I’m annoying!
I drown you like a tidal wave
Of hot sticky emotions
That leave an after taste in my own mouth.

My feelings are not distasteful
But perhaps they are not ideal.

When I miss you
I need for the world to stop moving.
And rotate in the emptiness of my heart
As I convince myself
You miss me
You need me
You still want me.

When I miss you
I am crippled by petty feelings
A lack of strength.

But truthfully
I just want to be near you.

Lonesome

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Casually
Tossed aside.
A casualty
Of the affections
Of a heart that was
Racing so fast,
It forgot to check
It’s rear mirrors
And inevitably
Crashed.

Discarded and disused,
Gone and forgotten.
A whisper in the memories
Of many nights long passed,
When stars would shine

For two unlucky lovers
Who thought they held time.

Downcast and disconsolate.
A girl who’s name you used to know,
A boy who’s heart you used to hold.

Lips that would part yours in kiss,
Are clamped together in a thin line.
Underscoring their disapproval of you.

Shuffling forward,
Away from the toxicity.

Your departure is as silent as a petal
Falling to the ground.

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